Unusual Turn of Events
by cheeringforraindrops
Summary: After a rather unpleasant conversation with the Life After Death Customer Service, Stella Richardson is accidentally tossed into Middle Earth to deal with moody elves, childish dwarves, and the realization that Life After Death wasn't all harps and halos. Rated M for 'that's what she said' jokes, sailor levels of swearing, and because I say so. Check inside for better description


As I promised in the summery, here is a better summery, where I'm not limited by the textual countdown of doom.

This is funny drable set in a world based after the BOFA where everyone lives. I wrote it for fun. It might not make 100% sense. It won't follow the book 100%. And it won't follow any written religious guidelines like at all...seriously.

If you can stay through all that, I hope I can make you laugh while you read Stella's adventures through Middle Earth, every slip, trip, spill, fall, tumble, and rapid decent will be chronicled here. Random guest appearances will be made by Orlando Bloom as Bard, Thranduil for a sparkle and shine commercial, and if I'm lucky I can get Gertrude the Ford Fiesta in for a closer interview on the events leading up to the accident by the River(please read chapter 1 for more info).

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Stella Richardson looked to most like an ordinary woman. Nothing particularly stood out when a passerby glanced at the strawberry blonde female. She was after all pleasantly attractive to those who preferred freckles and green eyes. She was however not one for those who didn't appreciate shorter women who could, on the drop of a hat, round house kick them in the gut with unnerving accuracy.

That day the weather forecaster had called for light rain and possible thundershowers. The clear cloudless sky determined that man was, without a doubt, a liar. Though not many were surprised given his lengthy streak of misinformed predictions, or they supposed, the history of weather forecasting in general. Stella on the other hand, had trusted his judgment, using the logic that a person could only be wrong for so long before they were accidently right. This day was not that day.

Having packed a backpack for her annual camping trip, Stella found herself sweating through her pull over as she walked through town to the train. To make matters worse her sweat remained trapped under her rain jacket, creating a rather uncomfortable humid environment, specifically designed for her personal discomfort.

Tossing her heavy bag on her shoulders she grumbled about the necessity for Channel 6 Morning News to find a new weather man. Apparently things weren't going to work out, and this man and weather should just stay friends.

This week was a special week for Stella, rain or shine. This was her week to relax. No training, no college classes, no internet, and no phone, well she had a phone but it would remain off unless there was an emergency. Some people would scoff at this idea. How is losing all that relaxing, they might ask. What about checking your Facebook for notifications, they would ponder. How could you talk to your friends, still others would question.

The joke was on them, she didn't have any friends. 358 days out of the year was a continuous get up and go with Stella's mother, so for a measly 7, she decided to put those things aside.

Stella's mom wasn't a terrible person, heavens no. What she was, was demanding. Straight A's in school, three sports team activities, two regular volunteering positions, and a club or activity were all she asked of Stella. Nothing her mom hadn't done when she was Stella's age, she had frequently been told. She often wondered if any of her trophies and medals would buy her a random afternoon to relax, a topic she still wondered about.

Speaking of topics, back to the one at hand, there will be plenty of time later to learn about such things.

Stella found that, on that unreasonably hot and incredibly un-rainy day, she would never actually make it to the train station. For you see across town there was one who was rejoicing for the people's disappointment in the local meteorology community. A bartender by the name of Earl, who thanked today's heat for the drastic surge of customers looking for an ice cold pint. It was from that bartender named Earl, that a regular named Todd, quickly drained twice as many glasses as he normally would on a Sunday. It was that bartender named Earl that glanced out the window and saw his regular named Todd climb into his Ford Fiesta with a missing right side mirror named Gertrude, and shrugged, figuring he would never get the key in the ignition.

It was while walking down a side road by the river that was flooded, despite the lack of rain that three of them met that day. The regular named Todd nodded in the warm sun, his foot ever so slightly resting heavier against the Fiesta named Gertrude's accelerator, heading directly for our sweating camper named Stella.

It should be said that Gertrude felt terrible as her front bumper swept up Stella, her head ricocheting off Gertrude's hood. Before rocketing them both over the mound of earth, meant to keep just this from happening, and into a nose dive beneath the surface of the swollen river. It should also be said that Todd remained fast asleep until Gertrude's seat belt jarred him abruptly when they hit the water. It should finally be said, that Stella didn't appreciate any part of the situation, especially Todd's choice in napping edict.

Not one person that day noticed the small woman, dazed and befuddled, pressed against the hood of the Fiesta as it sank gradually. Only the Ford Fiesta named Gertrude with the one missing mirror saw, no longer sweating Stella, sink into the silty waters and disappear with the current.

Stella's eyes flicked open, she quickly drug in a ragged breath, before attempting to jump to her feet, an attempt that was hindered greatly by a tidal wave of nausea. So instead of a valiant leap up she remained on her hands and knees, emptying her stomach quickly of what silt and water she had collected.

Wiping her mouth on her shaking arm Stella finally cast a glance around. Last she remembered she was hugging the front of a Ford before being swept away. Now she was in a dark room. Holding up her hand for contrast she was confused. She could see her own hand perfectly but everything else was black. The floor, the walls, the ceiling, all of it was strait up black.

This place was unusual at best. Not often is it that a person finds themselves wandering in a void of darkness, with only their footsteps echoing off endlessly. The connotations sent a shiver down Stella's spine. This wasn't the sort of place she wanted to be, she quickly decided, straitening her backpack she cleared her throat nervously. This was actually not the sort of place any reasonable person wished to be. Turning abruptly Stella's head smacked into a second solid object that day.

Hissing and backing up, Stella rubbed her forehead. Angrily she looked and dropped her hand in shock. It was a sign. A rather unassuming sign for that matter, painted bright white, swung back and forth on a squeaking chain from the impact. It simply stated in large green letters:

**Due to recent events concerning**

**an overly radical conservationist**

**(I'm not naming anyone in particular ****Josh****)**

**the light at the end of the tunnel has been **

**replaced by an energy conserving bulb.**

**Please allow 4 to 6 hours for it to steadily **

**become visible in the distance.**

**Thank You. **

'Light at the end of the tunnel'? '4 to 6 hours'? Who had that kind of time to wait around before wandering off to your death? Stella's bottom lip quivered. She was too young to die, hell she hadn't even kissed a guy yet, what kind of unfair death was this?

Stella took a step forward to turn the sign around, hoping that there was more information on the back. Her boots splashed through several inches of water that she didn't remember being there before. Looking down it appeared that she had no feet. Stella reached down and scooped up some of the liquid. It was flat black, and completely opaque. This was not a good sign.

Desperate for something positive she spun the little white sign hanging from the ceiling hoping there was more, and there was:

**If you feel you have found this sign by mistake**

**Please call 666-954-1598**

**Extensions are as follows:**

**1 – Involuntarily mad scientist experimentation**

**2 – Accidental pole vaulting impalement**

**3 – Squished by Alien spacecraft lift gate**

**4 – Tripping over cat on staircase**

**5 – To speak to Brian about possible poltergeist openings**

**Thank You**

Stella looked down to see the liquid was now up to her knees. Fumbling through her pockets she searched for her phone. It was an old flip phone from the 90's but it held up just fine since nobody ever called.

Her hands shook as she double checked the number while she typed, feeling the liquid rising to her thighs. Holding the phone up she plugged her other ear to hear the mechanical voice on the other end.

"I apologize for the inconvenience but all lines are busy at this moment. Please hold on the line for the next available customer service member. Thank you." The voice cut out to a commercial. Apparently twelve out of ten women in the afterlife loved their Lucifer brand candles, with scents such as: Brimstone Retreat, Burning Hair Ecstasy, and Mouthwatering Fluffernutter.

Stella bounced in place, looking down to see her legs were entirely gone, making her all the more nervous. Who was even calling the Life after Death Customer Service hotline right now?! Still holding her hand over her ear she began to pace as well as one could pace in waist high black liquid. The next commercial about After Death Angel Feather Bleaching blared out, informing her that, 'the whiter your wings, the sweeter your harp sings'.

Sweat began forming on Stella's brow when she saw that her stomach was beginning to disappear. Yet still she kept her phone to her ear. This situation didn't bode well for Stella, she briefly wondered if there was a broken pipe somewhere and perhaps Maintenance would be by soon and she could talk to them.

The dark liquid was touching her chest now, which was becoming more uncomfortable by the second. When it seemed as if all hope was lost the other end of the line hissed and a rather uninterested voice squeaked into the headset.

"Thank you for calling Life after Death Customer Service, my name is Mildred, it is my honor to be the first to welcome you to the Light at the end of the Tunnel, where we hope to help usher you into the next stage of being. How may I be of assistance?"

"There's water filling the room!" Stella blurted out.

"I see, that is disconcerting…" The voice trailed off.

"Help me!" Stella panicked, feeling the liquid touch her neck. For all the talents this woman had, she was decidedly unable to swim.

"You have informed me that there is a slight leak in Tunnel number 5,548,695 is that correct?" The voice droned.

"Yes! I mean no! There's a huge leak! I can't swim!" Stella tried to begin treading water with her free hand, kicking her legs desperately.

"Look ma'am I'm going to level with you, I have 5,694 lines blinking on hold right now. How about if I help you out and you help me out?" The voice sighed. Mumbling something after that sounded a lot like 'it's not like they could fire me anyways.'

"Yes, anything, anything at all!" The liquid touched the bottom of her chin.

"I need a six letter word, meaning; a help feature of a software package that automates complex tasks by asking the user a series of easy-to-answer questions. The third letter is a 'z'." It sounded as if the voice on the other end was scratching his head at the question.

"What?! I-I don't know! Are you really doing a crossword right now!?" Stella splashed uselessly in the liquid, barely more than a face floating in darkness.

"I said I'd help you if you helped me," the bored voice most definitely rolled its eyes at how dense it believed Stella to be.

Gasping and spluttering the dark liquid out of her mouth she wracked her brain for the answer. "W-wizard, its wizard, now help!" Stella begged, accidently breathing water in through her nose.

"Ah, I should have known, alright, I'll send maintenance. Until we meet again, thank you for calling and have a wonderful afternoon." The dial tone buzzed in her ear. Stella's heart pounded heavily against her ribs as the liquid finally rose up over her nose.

The phone that Stella had kept safe and operational for the past 17 years drifted from her fingers to rest on the floor. As luck would have it, the maintenance department did arrive shortly after the annoying operator hung up on Stella. The janitorial manager, Chuck, could do nothing but shake his head at the lack of upkeep in the young staff now-a-days.

Swiftly he plugged up the hole then proceeded to open the drain as he was instructed by Mildred the Customer Service Representative. He nodded at his work, floating over the surface, and watched the water drain. It was in that moment that he noticed the strawberry blonde plume spinning around the drain, followed closely by a little hand reaching towards him, before it was sucked into the floor.

Chuck darted over to where he last saw the hand and gasped, his own little hands smacked to his cheeks and his eyes were wide with horror. Mildred hadn't told him that there was a person here! He wasn't even sure where these drains led to. Chuck looked around the dark tunnel and cleared his throat. It was probably time for retirement anyways he decided. Darting away from the scene of the crime as quickly as his flappy little wings could take him. Which would have been easier if John hadn't convinced the big man to switch to energy conserving bulbs, making it near impossible to find his way.

On the other end of the drain, Stella screamed at the top of her lungs as she shot down the pipe, swearing to never again dog-ear library book pages if this nightmare would just end.

Just like that a blinding light swallowed her up and she became weightless. Was this heaven? Stella wondered briefly, before the blue began filling the sky and her decent started. Flailing hopelessly, Stella once again plummeted into the water. Gasping, she violently swung her arms around, desperate for a handhold of any sort, any sort of support at all. One of her feet made solid contact with stone and Stella shot up, breathing heavy.

There Stella was, soaking wet, wearing a rain jacket, lugging a camping backpack, and standing in a foot of water. If any had seen what had just happened they would have seen a grown woman (admittedly a short one) thrashing about in the shallows of a rather placid section of the river. Fortunately, as Stella slipped and stumbled away from the water, she felt that her little escapade had gone wholly un-noted.

That was until the gut-wrenching sound of a throat being cleared from the other side of the water.

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If you like this and want to see it turn into something, drop a review and I'll make it a regular update of mine :)


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